DISENCHANTED

The only reason i was there tonight, is because i don’t want someone i loved and cared for screw Vou’s life to the ground. All i ever really wanted was for you to be happy. And when you laid there beside me, crying your hearts out; i couldn’t bear to watch you. I just had to put my arms around you, bring your head to my chest and wipe away your tears like i’ve promised. I’ll be your friend, for eternity. Though we may never be ‘Bee eff eff’s’, we can still be casual friends. Maybe in a couple of years, foreign feelings might rekindle but i don’t want you to think about it too much. You can’t expect anything from me.

"I can sum up what i’ve learnt about life in 3 words; it goes on."

Maybe if we thread along the same path, we might end up where the wind blows. Like grains of sands in the desert being blown away, you can be the wind and i, the sand. We’ll be together but not really together at the same time. Tonight i stared at wet deep brown eyes instead of the sparkling jet black i longed for. I won’t be seeing them much. But by putting more distance between us makes me fall for you even more. I fear, i fear my love for you would turn into a mundane obsession. A craving that would one day obscure my vision and lead me down the path of no return.

"Do you have 2 hours to spare? will you forget what mummy told you and come along with a complete stranger like me?"

I took that chance, and it brought me here. Close to you.

"It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved…at all."

I’d rather live without the pain and misery love brings. There’s always a price to pay for love. The joy of love is temporary, but the pain is real and lasting. But if you appreciate love, you should appreciate lost. Reality is such that words and logic, are easier to create. You might have realised that i’ve just watched The Leap Years. Thumbs up for a local production. It was a tight slap in my face. The names, the script, the connotations, everything. Ananda Matthew Abringham and Nadya Hutagalung were sooooo HOT!

Why do you drag me into a myriad of emotions when i can feel myself finally falling in love again. Wasn’t it me you didn’t want, wasn’t it me who was hanging on? Why now? I loved you with all my heart, truly and sincerely. Yet you couldn’t see. You never did i guess. You aren’t aware of my struggle everyday since you left, now do you know how it feels to wake without someone by your side; staring into your eyes telling you "i love you". Do you know how it feels putting yourself to sleep when you are so used to cuddling a body to slumber. Yes, this is how it feels; when you awake at night because you’re haunted by memories so affectionate reality seems like a distant nightmare. Why do you want me back? why now? because i look better? because i dress better? because everybody seems to be against you? because you’re all alone? because you’ve finally realised that you LOVED me? revenge is sweeter than you ever were i guess.

Look up the stars are fading. And i am still here waiting, to see you again. Be with you my friend. When the moon is gone forever, I hope you’re up there somewhere. I’ll see you again, be with you my friend. Cuz all the road leads to where you are, and all the streetlight shines like they were stars. Thats where you are. Swear that i’ll see you someday, i have to find a way to show you i care. That’s where you are. My heart is empty without you, sometimes you don’t know what to do. I need you tonight, I’ll fall asleep and it’s alright. Close my eyes and i’ll be by your side. Let’s spend tonight on top of the world. We can do anything, we can be anything. I’ll meet you tonight, on top of the world. As real as it seems, you’re only in my dreams.

Boys like Girls, on top of the world. The most romantic song; when you’re in love. Otherwise, as real as it seems, it’s only in your dreams. You know, the most common word in a love letter is miss, not love.

Love Letters.

I had my moment of bliss

I had my share of pain

I spent a moment too much,

Lingering in a beautiful potrait

Because it seems so hard to move on

But that beauty has long gone

Whats left is a blank canvas

No longer filled with colours

Or glorious illustrations

I had my chance to carry your heart in mine.

But eventhough we bid goodbye,

I’ll keep a fragment of us.

A fragment.

And I’ll be content.

I wonder at my fantasy

How hopeless it all seems now

The euphoria has gone

Only frail pieces of memories remain

I fell astray from love

Because there was no longer passion

Lets just forget our melody

Since you’ve gone and change the words.

I pray we’ll find solitude not silence.

DANIAL IRSYADUDDIN

Written on 26^th June

Im sorry it had to be today

One day before our anniversary.

Sealed with a kiss then?

You’re a friend, you’re a confidante, you’re a chenta, you’re the one i take responsibility of, I’m your punching and vice versa. You’re my pillar of strength and you’re…mine.

You really do have a thing for making me melt you know. You’ll always have my heart, even if we’re worlds apart.

I love you

I love you too.I’ve promised you my love, I’ve carried your heart, I’ve carried yours in mine.

I really should have starved myself 3 months back then. For treating you in a way you obviously don’t deserve.

Yeah, you should. But it was partially my fault. I didn’t regret it, because now, you mean more to me than before. Than ever actually.

Can i admit something? you make me smile tonight. Well, of course not just tonight, but i’m just overwhelmed by how you put yourself together and never fail to be there for me no matter how fucked up i am. Sayang, thank you.

Sweetie, i pray and hope i’ll always be there for you whenever you need me, I’ll catch you when you fall. I’ve achieved my second goal in life, to make you smile when you’re down.

Baby, if i tell you something, can you promise me not to be upset? I myself am trying to deal with the fact cuz it’s all very sudden. Promise me ok? Mum is making me leave for

Bali

and live there with cousins after November. Baby, please say something.

Is it comfirmed?

Mum said she has settled everything.

It’s funny isn’t it, how i’m not leaving to

Australia

because of you, and you’re leaving me for

Bali

.

CUTE LUH YOU! I’M JUST JOKING. APRIL’S FOOLS DEAR! OH BABY, I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU.

Are you sure you’re joking? its a joke right?

I swear baby, losing you back then was a silly mistake and i never ever want to lose you again.

Baby, please don’t leave me, I can’t imagine life without you. I can’t imagine waking up, not glancing on your face or not hearing your voice.

I’ll never leave you.

In the near future, if you were to be with someone new,___ would obviously be lucky to have someone rare like you. I can’t find anything bad to put you with. Danial, Do you know that it is better that this happened sooner than later. I can’t force feelings to love. When you texted me through friendster on my birthday and asked if we could be friends, i thought why not, since that was what you wanted. Until the first dinner we had. I want to trust myself into believing about things and not forcing about things. But it failed. Perhaps i’m the problem, It’s like as if im forcing myself into believing that i’m in love.

If you’ve never loved me, you shouldn’t have said ‘I love you’ from the start.

I know, but why is it it only happened today? because i am scared. I’m really afraid, i don’t mean to hurt you. I know you’re thinking BINGO, cuz you’re worst of than hurt. Can you imagine if we reached our first anniversary together, but i feel forced. Can you imagine how heart-breaking it would be? I’m sorry Dan, i really am but i didn’t plan life this way.

You are right, it hurts.But you did the right thing. I wish you would have done it sooner. You’ve really taught me a hard lesson. And thanks for at least making me feel loved. Really, thanks for faking your feelings for a year. I do respect your decision, but we’ll never be bossom friends. I wish i could forget you, but i can’t. I know i can’t. I won’t even try. One day, if we meet on the streets, we might shake hands, but it won’t happen anytime soon. From now on, i’ll be careful about those i let into my life. And thanks to you, i don’t think i’ll ever trust again. You got into my heart, it doesn’t matter where you go because you’ll always be near by. Listen, I’ll never look at lights the same way again. Candles will never bring me the same warmth. I will never step into a park without thinking of you. I will never forget the times we’ve spent together. Pasta and green tea will never taste the same again.

Neither will i Dan, neither will I. The memories of us, it’s tainted in me. Even the childish phone call squabbles. I wont forget them, your bubbly character. How you’d say ‘i know right’.And god, ANTM, Tyra,Naima,Renee. Babi and Kambeng

I’ll never forget how it feels to be a bimbo

After that night, my love story ended.

"All of the things we want each other to be, we never will be, that wonderful. That is you, baby. This is me, baby."

A whole lot of things has been happening lately. OH! my com is infected by Mr Trojan. CONGRATUFUCKINLATIONS to me! I know how it feels to be out of love or to lose someone you treasure; or wish to treasure. Lemony Snickets cleverly says " losing a loved one is like climbing up the stairs in the middle of the night and thinking there is an additional step, your foot plunges down; that sickening feeling in your stomach." I say, it is as if your heart has been ripped out of your chest and scrubbed with Clorox and then smashed like Ayam penyet. But of course this is life and shit happens. Why? Why do we choose to fall in love,knowing in the end we will end up hurt; one way or another. I am sure you will be fine sis, the cab fare was 20 bucks if you ever read this and are feeling generous:) When i was in the cab, a million thoughts were racing through my head( yeah, like feeling t.A.t.U like that) the looming darkness encourages the monsterous memory to awaken from its slumber at the same time chewing on my guts. Figuratively of course. I look forward, only to expect a sea of red lights on the horizon and an ocean of white lights zooming in the opposite direction. "Life is like as if you’re in the MRT. There will be a point when you alight and we can’t be together anymore because we are going in different directions. Then there may be a time when we will meet briefly when our carriages stop and we can only look at each other from opposite ends of the platform; only for a while before continueing on our journey. At the end of the trip, we may end up with more baggages then what we started off with, simply because, along the way; we learn."

Jenny complimented my eyes. "you have beautiful eyes you know and your height compliments your features." She says Vou is jealous of me. Don’t be. why should you be? you got the only thing i ever really wanted anyway. Or should i say, you HAD. Now, bitching about me won’t bring me down and it definitely won’t make you feel better. I feel happy for you, i’ll admit that so why can’t you just leave me alone.

To another Vou:There’s no other way to describe how i feel when you look at me the way only you do. Staring into my eyes, giving me all your attention i crave for during the duration of our conversation. Suspended in a moment in time; I lay there drowning in the deepest despair because you are ignorant of how i feel inside. Sparkling jet black eyes, thats all i remember. Thats all i want to remember. The slight touch of your hand the brief warmth of your body and simply your presence in the room lights me up.

Mum and Dad were talking about how much i’ve changed.

Day out with Abby was fun. Like as if i’ve known her for a longer period of time.

I want to meet up with Alan and Karol and the Bitchmates.

I miss ERIANA.

I want to meet my CLIQUE: LABIN, HALIMAH, NADIA, JUMALEA,NADZ.

I wish JULIE all the best.

"I pray to god for her sanity, and i look to the devil to salvage mine."