DISENCHANTED

Its a ledge,
overlooking the pool.
you can let your legs dangle.
just look at the ripples,
like me,
slowly giving up penning thoughts
to words.
whatever I do,
i forget,
to forget you.
you’re so distant,
no need to tell me you’re sorry.
do you know I still think about you.
do you know that I still miss you.
I’ve to find a way,
to stop you from falling into my mind.

I’ve got a very packed schedule, but I’m trying to make time. I’m trying. Promise.

Let me tell you how I’m feeling inside. I’m torned up and confused. I want to quit cheer but somehow I still love cheer. Somehow it’s taking up alot of time, somehow eating into my social life. It’s not something that I didn’t see it coming, its just that I didn’t prepare myself for this. I feel guilty letting Lenny down, Citra, Kyra… but truth is, I don’t have much friends in Magnum anyway. But there’s just this part of me that wants to hang on. I skipped training today. I needed some time to think. It’s not just cheer that’s been tugging at my guts. There’s an entire whirlwind of emotions I’ve been trying to hide, to ignore and bury. I’m sorry. I really am. I don’t know how to tell Lenny, or anyone at all. I’m writing it down to express my feelings; the only way I know possible.

je suis desole. je suis illusion.

“Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same”.

How could I turn on the TV, without something that will remind me? But you’ve got to know. Life goes on. If there is an award for the best lie, we all know you’d win it. The wheels of my truck are picking up. Ready. Set. Go. It’ll be hard. But trust me, you’re worth it.

I don’t think that I’m attractive. The ones I like always end up with someone else. Yes, I’ve realized I’m not the master of seduction. Big HA-HA there. I want to talk to Alan CHOOCHOO. But bloody bitch is in Malaysia, truly Asia. Big fuck!

OH! I think I’ve been partying a little too much. Shall cut down there. Augustine is sleeping, he’s in the front carriage of the bus. I’m in the second. I don’t think I would want to tell him that it’s a little too unglam to slant to one side with your mouth wide open. But never mind, let him work it.

Ok, I wrote this next part on another day. Biggest condolences to A. CHOOCHOO. Hope you’re not too traumatized by the incident. HEEHEEHEE! I’ve got a feeling he wants to talk about something but sorry I went off with Kah Leong. I’ve not met up with him for a while as well. Sucks man, I’ve been a little too busy.
I’ve Magnum Cap on the 12th-14th. So I’ll probably post this up on one of the nights. Then I’ll come online after a long time. My PC at home is just screwed. Been spending a whole lot of time with Magnum. Shit. I’ve a life. But I can’t help it.

Supposed to go clubbing on the 10th, 11th, 12th and 14th. But as you can see, I can’t let my heart win. I’ve been clubbing the most of last week away for heaven’s sake. Think of your liver boy! You know you drink like a water tank.

My plan is: after Magnum camp on Saturday, meet up with the clique and spend some quality time together at Sentosa and then some surprises coming up the night. I don’t think I’m going to party Lennz. Maybe next week at Main (it means P*** in Malay). In the evening I’m probably meet Julie to get some stuff for Sunday aka Mum’s Birthday and Father’s Day. That depends on how much I have by Saturday. Sunday will be the first time, after a very long time the family’s getting together for a luncheon. LURPPSZSZXZSZXZSZXZSXZSZXZXZSZXZSZXZZXXSXZSZXZSZ. I used to want to be the one who will plan all these events, and now, I just wish someone else would do it. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Next week would be dedicated to BEE-EFF-EFFs and partying before school reopens. And studying for whatever tests I’m going to have!

OH! I’m going to MOS tomorrow, i don’t give a fuck.

Blame it on the weather
But the world is not on my side
Not today

Blame it on self-pity
But time is never on my side
Not today

And that’s the way life is
Sometimes you just need to write the stuff that’s bothering you down
Then, you’d realize you’re thinking too much
You’re blaming everything but yourself

I’ve discovered my joy in writing
It provides comfort
A warm hug
A fuzzy feeling that lets someone know that you still care

It puts a smile on my face when I know that my friends appreciate my works
It’s a feeling that beats going on a shopping spree

Sometimes when we feel that the world is such a cruel nasty place
All we need is a few seconds break
I’ll write you that break
I’ll let you know that at the end of the day
You’ve got me

Don’t get me wrong
I’m not trying to be superman
But my heart’s open to my best friends.

I might have just lost confidence in falling in love. Just like I lost confidence in the DJ last night. I’m afraid I might and will get hurt yet again. Anyways, in this community, I feel as if everyone has slept with everyone. I mean like… cliché much? So I have decided that I will not chase. Come what may, whatever will be, will be. Well, to who ever that’s in love, treasure this feeling while it lasts. I won’t do a sex and the city thing “you’re crazy to get married”. No, I won’t.

I feel that Magnum’s taking away my social life. I’ve got training almost everyday. I promise I’ll join my BFF’s on the 14th of this month after 3pm. I’m sorry. I’m performing for National Day, I hope Nadia won’t be celebrating her birthday on the 9th. If she has already confirmed the chalet, I’ll drop out of NDP. Promise. I’ve got commitments. And I’ve learnt my mistake. I won’t put too much heart into cheer. It rips your dreams apart. Call me cynical, but you’ve not been in my shoes. I joined Magnum on the condition that it won’t take my life away. I want to spend time with my friends, BFF’S, Best friends, Julie, Mum and Dad. I want to go shopping. I want to club. I want to go spinelli-ing. I want to enjoy!
I love cheerleading, but I love me more.

OH! I’m just wondering. If straight couples enter what’s supposed to be an honest lovey dovey relationship, do they expect to have sex like within 24 hours?! Like WTF! Ok, there’s a difference between flings when you know at the end of the night you’re going to have sex and a relationship. You don’t just ditch a person saying “you’re everything I ever wanted, except for the sex”. It’s just less than a month for fuck’s sake. You don’t expect anyone to stick a dick in their mouth when you’re just getting to know each other. Like I said, there’s a fucken difference when you go clubbing and hook someone up, or a one night stand when both adults consent to have sex or whatever. It’s a very heat of the moment thing. My goodness! I’m not even making sense anymore. Erghhhhh! I CURSE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN ROY!

I opened my mouth and words began to pour out. Just as abruptly as I tried to tell Wing what was bothering me, they got stuck in my throat. It was in Radio, just as Felix and Cordelia stepped into the room, realization dawned on me. For a good 5 minutes, I could feel my spirit and laughter die away. It was the photos. Something in their smiles, made me wish I were there. “Why should I have enemies, when I can have friends like them”. Half a year ago, that sentence would have been impossible to construct. I’m sure you’d be reading this post. I’m sure. Just know that I am not angry or upset in any way. Just as I allowed myself to slip away, I remembered what Ryn said. “You look much happier now”. I’m astounded that she could have said that. Perhaps, I’ve begun to forget what an emotional wreck I’ve been. That’s always a good sign.

Halimah called. It’s almost as if my BFF-I’ve-got-an-emergency beacon went off. That could be a major reason why my spirit soared and my emow-ity took flight. You know what I mean. BELOVED HALILI TREATED ME TO THAI EXPRESS! AND SHE BOUGHT ME A T-SHIRT FROM PULL AND BEAR. LOVE LOVE!!! Thanks so much, I’m glad we’re getting together this Saturday and that we’re having a BEE-EFF-EFF gathering for the Birthdays.

To Wing, sorry I can’t be the shoulder for you to cry on tonight. Sorry, I won’t be getting high on booze with you tonight. I pray things go well for you. It’s probably not an easy time for you. I know I can say everything’s going to be alright, don’t think too much about it, but I also know that at the end of the night, you’d be the one who would be facing all these fucked up emotions. I’ve been through a particularly painful break up, but that doesn’t make me DR LOVE.

The Emotional Drinker.

I used to think that she was just another pretty face
I never thought I would ever break through her surface
What an extraordinary surface it is
Beautiful features, voluptuous figure
What more could I ask for?
Her name.

We became friends
Definitely more than just casual friends.
It was always a laugh seeing her get high on booze
She would scream out the queerest sentences
She would cry
She would laugh
She would get wasted everytime.
It never did occur to me that she was a bad person.
She isn’t.

Could it be that a girl like her could be over-flowing with emotions
Could it be that she has not given herself enough time to come face to face with her demons
We all have skeletons in our closets
We all know the ghost of our pasts
We all seek sanctuary
A realm of sanctity away from our reality
One day we’d make that great escape
We’ll walk to that hiding place

Hand in hand
Heart to heart.

Ever thine.
Ever ours.
Ever mine.

gyeah, whatever.
maybe one day, but it’s not today.
i’ve just realized that you can say you’ll love me forever more.
But you can’t deny we’re both going to find another partner
it’s just that we can treasure the times we’ve had.

That way, we wouldn’t have been a waste.

As long as we have our friendship, ever day is never a waste.

I pray someday, I might realize. I might. I might.

I dreamt a dream
That someday my princess will come
We’ll spend the rest of our lives together
In love
Just like in the movies
In love
For the first time
We’ll be so happy reality will seem like a dream

And a dream it stayed
Never coming true
Never thought of again
The kind of dream you’d chuck aside in the depths of your heart.

Then he showed me something I never knew

I was exhilarated
For the first time after a long time
I felt alive

And then I died
Slowly, venomously, but surely
Now everyday, I feel so torn up inside
Everything seems alright
But in their own small ways, we know they never were
At least not until we opened our eyes
I wished I ‘d have stayed blinded

You probably won’t understand my blabbers
I didn’t expect you to
I just want to be heard
In a silent poetry like this
Words pouring over and over again

Sometimes meaningless
Sometimes drowned into nothingness
Sometimes leaving an imprint on your heart.

1) At what age do you wish to marry?

* 30 plus, when i’m sure i’ve found my soulmate.

2) How many children do you want?

* that depends. that really depends.

3) What I want the most now?

* booze.sex.clothes.

4) What are your future plans?

*to see the world.

5) If you can have 1 more dream to come true, what will it be?

* to visit Paris with shitloads of cash and spend them all on what I want.

6) What are you afraid to lose now?

*there’s nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

7) Do you believe in being in love forever?

* YES FUCK! YES!!!

From the first letter of your name, what would the letter best describe you?

* D- right now? DEJECTED

9) How strong(in your heart) can you be?

* You can’t possibly imagine.

10) What are the requirements that you wish from other half?

* Faith.Love.Trust.Honesty. i’m really picky actually.

11) Which type of person you hate most?

* Those with not a hint of class in their veins. or rather, in my eyes.

12) Do you cherish every single of your friendship?

* Every single person that has left an imprint on my heart. There’s quite a few, but not many.

13) Do you believe in God?

* Definitely, maybe.

14) What do you think is most important thing in your life?

* To love and be loved in return. I can’t stand feeling alone. So LOVE here just means…love.

15) Do you find it necessary for you to have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

* Why d’you think I’m still single?

16) What do you want your friend to be like?

* The type that would still have a warm chat with me if we met on the streets 30 years down the road.

17) What kind of friend do you hope to be in your friends’ eyes?

* Someone who knows when to have fun and when to be dead serious. The type of friend you know would always catch you when you fall and turn your frown upside down. The type of friend you’d wish to have by your side all the time. The one you’d tell you children "that’s my bestfriend".

18) If you have a change, which part of your character would you like to change?

* The god damned fact that I’m a sucker for love and a dead hopeless romantic.

19) If you’re feeling low one day, who will you go to?

* Julie. Eriana. Every single one of my bestfriends. Namely; Labin, Halimah, Nadzirah, Nadia, Jumalea, Alan.

20) If there was one question you wished no one would ever ask you, what would it be?

* Details about my heritage. Why am I still single. Have you ever even been in love. Yes, I know I said one…

Instructions:Remove one question from above, and add in your personal question to make it a total of 20 questions. Then tag 8 people in your links them out at the end of the post. Notify them through their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.

I don’t haveeeeee a taggy… but I want ALANCHOOCHOO, JUMALEA, HALIMAH, WING, ERIANA, KAROL, NADZIRAH AND POH ETIQA; IT’S TIME SHE STARTED SOMEWHERE.

Maybe the stars really are blind.

Be gratefool I tell you! I am taking a few minutes out of my precious life to even write about something that is not worth giving a FUCK about.

OH,and bear in mind, i tried to be professional.

Firstly, I’m sure all of us know Etiqa. Yes, the one that dropped out from school. So last night at Far East, Puncak, her boyfriend decided to mess around with me. He was like; "You got a problem with my girlfriend is it".

Since I’ve been trained to think under pressure, i said "No, Etiqa, I don’t have a problem with you".

AND HE SAID " I OMEGA WANN OK. REMEMBER". (to all civilised people, Omega is supposedly a street gang). AND THEN HE PUSHED ME.

So, the story is, my friends and I tried to help convince Etiqa not to quit school. But other than the obvious fact that our efforts were in vain. Apparently she thinks that we had dubious motives. Best part, she tried to convince a couple of people not to be my friend, and did the whole mean girl thing. BUT! Ms Bitch doesn’t know that I’ve got very loyal friends. So, Etiqa, it’s not my fault that people hate you.

Thing is, people in the civilised world, as a member of Omega, you’re not allowed to advertise that fact. So obviously he was new. You know, they say the quiet ones are always poisonous.

Sorry Etiqa, I guess this is the reason you are a school dropout, and I’m in Mass Comm with 8 points. Unlike you, I’ve got class. (Pun totally intended).

After that, Wing and I headed over to Clarke Quay and had the time of our lives. To all civilians, I am sorry for any drunken sentences that made it out of my intoxicated brain. I swear I thought I said and did some stupid stuff. Sorry, please don’t take anything to heart. If I had said anything that shouldn’t be heard, don’t judge me.

OH! and you should know, I cannot go home alone or without any music. Meaning I can’t be left alone in the bus/MRT/cab. I feel… alone.